I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.
I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."
Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing a all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Different Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn't it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that's upsetting, but I'm not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.
The next thing I'm going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I'm going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it's not summer, it's not winter, and it's not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it's fall, fuckers.
Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you're going to fucking love my house. Just look where you're walking or you'll get KO'd by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you're going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.
For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy fucking hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian ass bitch-slapped all the way back to summer.
Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Rec League Hockey Players
If you play hockey, you will know some of these types!
There are thousands of team managers across Canada who will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the October dawn of a new season. As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following beer-league player categories:
Who is who?
The Ringer - Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the "DD" Division title.
The Young Guy - At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.
The Old Guy - Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily old guy - a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. " Eddie Shore -- now there was a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift."
The Tardy Goalie - Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.
The Beginner - Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake. How does that knock you over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night playoff game at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.
The Complete Psycho - Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.
The Naked Guy - Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with the swinging sausage.
The Guy with the New Girlfriend - An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife...at which point he'll never miss another game.
The Organizer - This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy. Is often heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault' and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like 'No worries Mike , it's a team effort.' What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey Mike , my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your fault.' If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.
The Minor Hockey All-star - Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture. This guy topped out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes),then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.
The Johnny Try Hard - Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Running Room'. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.
The Stanley Cup Champion - This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this is an opposing player you must nip this behaviour in the bud by catching him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of the other team.
The Tough Guy - This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight and is characterized by antagonising behaviour on the ice. In extreme cases he will 'cheap shot' another player. The fact that your beer league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realise is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy. There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.
The Wrong Guy - Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This guy shows up, doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realise he had 355 pims 3 years ago.
The Gary Roberts - Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one of your better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play. At the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a certain way and despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back checking or positional assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of 'unfinished business' from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.
CORPORATE GUY - At first glance just a regular family guy, married with 3 kids, a cush corporate job and fancy car. Once he enters the locker room its Party time & latest tales of bangin' broads and the good times. Pregame beer and smoke, outrageous stories of hookers from last weekend in Vegas, to the point everyone is crying with laughter. This guy is Reg Dunlop (Slapshot) meets Chris Farley, raw-raw, kick their ass, run-up the score, the ref-beats-his-wife, non stop chatter on the bench. Has above average talent and knows it, but is more focused on making sure his teammates show up and enjoy themselves at the post game festivities at the Brass Pole Ballet, always carries an extra set of clothes in his trunk!
There are thousands of team managers across Canada who will spend the long weekend making personnel decisions in time for the October dawn of a new season. As with any successful organization, you need the right mix, and that means drafting from the following beer-league player categories:
Who is who?
The Ringer - Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways, including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most effective, however, is let him play for free. It's simple math, really. Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the "DD" Division title.
The Young Guy - At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job. The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to him by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.
The Old Guy - Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his gloves reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily old guy - a hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when professional athletes were real men. " Eddie Shore -- now there was a hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself. Never missed a shift."
The Tardy Goalie - Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time, dickhead.
The Beginner - Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn to take a pass, man. It's right on your stick, for Christ's sake. How does that knock you over? And now you're friggin offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night playoff game at 11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.
The Complete Psycho - Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman. The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie, challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt. And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.
The Naked Guy - Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with the swinging sausage.
The Guy with the New Girlfriend - An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops, so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like you'll lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new wife...at which point he'll never miss another game.
The Organizer - This guy is absolutely brutal but since nobody else could be bothered to do all the paperwork and collect the money he gets to play. Is frustrating to play with because they can barely skate let alone take a pass but nobody gets mad at him cuz he's a really nice guy. Is often heard in the dressing room saying 'Sorry guys, that one was my fault' and if he's lucky somebody will chip in something like 'No worries Mike , it's a team effort.' What everybody is really thinking is 'Hey Mike , my grandmother is a better player than you and yes you are right, that was your fault.' If you are lucky the Organizer is usually smart enough to take himself off the ice in critical situations.
The Minor Hockey All-star - Looks promising at a glance as they fool you with reasonably good skills but after you get zero passes you'll get the picture. This guy topped out at 'AA' Midget and can be spotted by the huge blinders attached to his helmet. Play is characterized by energetic rushes down the wing, (no passing), then into the corner (still no pass), behind the net (hey dickhead I've been open for the past 5 minutes),then into the next corner (everybody has gone back to the bench to watch) followed by a blind give away pass to the high slot / break out pass for the other team. Cut this guy.
The Johnny Try Hard - Great to have on your team but they suck to play against because they have somehow managed to keep themselves in ridiculously good shape. They were probably the star on their high school hockey team and won athlete of the year because they played hockey, volleyball and track all in the same year. Guaranteed they have a membership at the 'Running Room'. Play is characterized by constant hustle which if caught off guard can embarrass the more talented yet fatter player.
The Stanley Cup Champion - This player will raise their hands and cheer when they score. If this is an opposing player you must nip this behaviour in the bud by catching him off guard with a sickening open ice hit that causes him to blow snot bubbles. If this player is on your team quickly chastise him in front of the other team to let them know that this is not how the rest of your team rolls. Remind him how much of a loser he is by retrieving the puck from the net the next time he scores and presenting it to him in front of the other team.
The Tough Guy - This guy maxed out at the house-league level, has never been in a fight and is characterized by antagonising behaviour on the ice. In extreme cases he will 'cheap shot' another player. The fact that your beer league does not allow fighting has given this guy a false sense of courage. What this guy does not realise is that this will not prevent someone from knocking his teeth out if he cheap shots the wrong guy. There is a number of fun ways to handle this player which all end with him lying on the ice bleeding, looking for his teeth and crying.
The Wrong Guy - Not to be confused with 'The Complete Psycho'. This guy shows up, doesn't say much and pretty much flies under the radar screen. The kid that gave him the cheap shot him will eventually look his name up on Hockey DB after his facial surgery and realise he had 355 pims 3 years ago.
The Gary Roberts - Can be described as being way too intense. This guy is one of your better players but is unable to adjust to the lower level of play. At the best of times he will try to coach players on the fly and at the worst of times he will snap and call his entire team a bunch of house-leaguers. He believes the game should be played a certain way and despises 'pond hockey' style play with no back checking or positional assignments. Most likely is suffering from a complex of 'unfinished business' from his previous hockey career and is looking to capture some shred of glory via the rec-league championship. This guy is probably better off playing with his own kind in a senior-A league.
CORPORATE GUY - At first glance just a regular family guy, married with 3 kids, a cush corporate job and fancy car. Once he enters the locker room its Party time & latest tales of bangin' broads and the good times. Pregame beer and smoke, outrageous stories of hookers from last weekend in Vegas, to the point everyone is crying with laughter. This guy is Reg Dunlop (Slapshot) meets Chris Farley, raw-raw, kick their ass, run-up the score, the ref-beats-his-wife, non stop chatter on the bench. Has above average talent and knows it, but is more focused on making sure his teammates show up and enjoy themselves at the post game festivities at the Brass Pole Ballet, always carries an extra set of clothes in his trunk!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Clown Shoes
I'm no fashion expert by any means, and I'd be the first to admit I don't know how to dress myself. However, even I know better than to don a pair of clown shoes and pretend like it's cool.
What's with this new trend of guys (mostly nattily dressed), who wear shoes with the toe about 3-4 inches longer than their foot, with a squared off front? They're CLOWN shoes, for crying out loud.
I thought the height of male fashion goofiness was the just-plain-stupid looking hairdo where they gel all their hair to come up to a point at the centre of their heads, so they look like roosters. But no, someone out there figures men don't look stupid enough, and gave them these moronic looking clown shoes.
The fact that people are wearing them is just too much for me to stand silently any longer.
What's with this new trend of guys (mostly nattily dressed), who wear shoes with the toe about 3-4 inches longer than their foot, with a squared off front? They're CLOWN shoes, for crying out loud.
I thought the height of male fashion goofiness was the just-plain-stupid looking hairdo where they gel all their hair to come up to a point at the centre of their heads, so they look like roosters. But no, someone out there figures men don't look stupid enough, and gave them these moronic looking clown shoes.
The fact that people are wearing them is just too much for me to stand silently any longer.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Okay, here's what's bugging me.
A few weeks ago, a car was found submerged with the bodies of three teenage sisters and an adult woman associated with their family inside. Charged with first degree murder and conspiracy to commit murder (4 counts) are the girls' father, mother, and brother.
Now, when this was reported on CBC news, the reporter and anchor repeatedly suggested that these might have been "honor killings".
I want to know what the reason was for selecting that phrase and emphasizing it. Does it explain anything about what happened? Does it help us to understand the event?
Let's assume those charged are guilty. In that case, these were murders, and the specific details surrounding the crime are unique to itself. Why are we lumping them in with a 'type' of killing?
If a French Canadian man snaps and murders his family, we say "Oh, he must have lost his mind." But if an Indian Canadian man does the same, "It must have been an honor killing." What? The Indian guy DIDN'T lose his mind, but killed his family anyway? Why is his crime being treated differently than the other man's? The two crimes may have been triggered by much the same motives. Perhaps a wilful family disobeying a deranged father and inflaming his need to dominate. A fragile ego and violent nature might 'snap' for any number of perceived 'reasons'.
By speaking about this crime in collectivist terms, the crime is reduced to a cultural phenomenon, and the criminals and victims to players in an event the significance of which is no longer tied to themselves. They're just acting out the form of a conflict between clashing cultures. It wasn't a multiple-murder, it was 'honor killings'. This demeans the victims and attempts to obliterate the crime. Blame is transferred from the individuals who commit the crime to the group to which they are perceived to belong. It's not the man who's guilty - it's his race.
Notions such as this are collectivist in origin and cannot help but promote racism and error. A thoughtless observer might say "Well, he IS Indian and he DID kill his family out of a misguided sense of honor.", and find himself adopting a racist attitude without even knowing he's done so. If the news had reported that the hypothetical French man above killed his family "Because he is French." would we be saying "Well, he IS French and he DID kill his family."? The terms "honor killing" are nothing more than an attempt to define an event in terms of non-essentials. Sure, they MAY have been committed with some sense of family honor as part of the motive, but that's not essentially what happened, and it's not essentially WHY it happened.
Don't try to tell me they did it because of their religion or culture or race. Lots of religions advocate that disobedient children may be put to death, including Judaism and Christianity - but no one actually DOES kill their kids, because they aren't insane. Same goes for these people. What they did was not rational and was not the product of the influences of their religion or other affiliations. If we want to know why these killings occurred, we cannot dismiss them by grouping them into a meaningless category. We have to look into the fact of this case itself. Inconvenient as that may seem in an era of easy answers and instant gratification, it is true nonetheless.
So again I ask, WHY is the CBC advancing this story to us in these terms? Why the repeated implication that these murders might be so-called "honor killings". I'm not a paranoid lunatic. I don't believe they are deliberately advancing an agenda of racism, even though that's precisely where their kind of talk leads. They would no doubt be outraged at the suggestion they might be racist, but there it is for all to see. Is there anyone who believes that if the family involved were white, they'd be talking about "honor killings"? It's irresponsible journalism no matter how you look at it. What ever happened to knowing what you're talking about BEFORE you report it? Speculation isn't the job of a reporter.
I think that they are simply people who think in collectivist terms because they honestly believe in collectivist ideology. They prefer to think of people in terms of groups than as individuals, because they prioritize the collective over the individual. In other words, like so many evils performed in the world today this one was committed out of a sense of well-meaning. The way to hell is paved with good intentions, my friends. Don't swallow ANY idea that you haven't chewed to find the gristle.
Now, when this was reported on CBC news, the reporter and anchor repeatedly suggested that these might have been "honor killings".
I want to know what the reason was for selecting that phrase and emphasizing it. Does it explain anything about what happened? Does it help us to understand the event?
Let's assume those charged are guilty. In that case, these were murders, and the specific details surrounding the crime are unique to itself. Why are we lumping them in with a 'type' of killing?
If a French Canadian man snaps and murders his family, we say "Oh, he must have lost his mind." But if an Indian Canadian man does the same, "It must have been an honor killing." What? The Indian guy DIDN'T lose his mind, but killed his family anyway? Why is his crime being treated differently than the other man's? The two crimes may have been triggered by much the same motives. Perhaps a wilful family disobeying a deranged father and inflaming his need to dominate. A fragile ego and violent nature might 'snap' for any number of perceived 'reasons'.
By speaking about this crime in collectivist terms, the crime is reduced to a cultural phenomenon, and the criminals and victims to players in an event the significance of which is no longer tied to themselves. They're just acting out the form of a conflict between clashing cultures. It wasn't a multiple-murder, it was 'honor killings'. This demeans the victims and attempts to obliterate the crime. Blame is transferred from the individuals who commit the crime to the group to which they are perceived to belong. It's not the man who's guilty - it's his race.
Notions such as this are collectivist in origin and cannot help but promote racism and error. A thoughtless observer might say "Well, he IS Indian and he DID kill his family out of a misguided sense of honor.", and find himself adopting a racist attitude without even knowing he's done so. If the news had reported that the hypothetical French man above killed his family "Because he is French." would we be saying "Well, he IS French and he DID kill his family."? The terms "honor killing" are nothing more than an attempt to define an event in terms of non-essentials. Sure, they MAY have been committed with some sense of family honor as part of the motive, but that's not essentially what happened, and it's not essentially WHY it happened.
Don't try to tell me they did it because of their religion or culture or race. Lots of religions advocate that disobedient children may be put to death, including Judaism and Christianity - but no one actually DOES kill their kids, because they aren't insane. Same goes for these people. What they did was not rational and was not the product of the influences of their religion or other affiliations. If we want to know why these killings occurred, we cannot dismiss them by grouping them into a meaningless category. We have to look into the fact of this case itself. Inconvenient as that may seem in an era of easy answers and instant gratification, it is true nonetheless.
So again I ask, WHY is the CBC advancing this story to us in these terms? Why the repeated implication that these murders might be so-called "honor killings". I'm not a paranoid lunatic. I don't believe they are deliberately advancing an agenda of racism, even though that's precisely where their kind of talk leads. They would no doubt be outraged at the suggestion they might be racist, but there it is for all to see. Is there anyone who believes that if the family involved were white, they'd be talking about "honor killings"? It's irresponsible journalism no matter how you look at it. What ever happened to knowing what you're talking about BEFORE you report it? Speculation isn't the job of a reporter.
I think that they are simply people who think in collectivist terms because they honestly believe in collectivist ideology. They prefer to think of people in terms of groups than as individuals, because they prioritize the collective over the individual. In other words, like so many evils performed in the world today this one was committed out of a sense of well-meaning. The way to hell is paved with good intentions, my friends. Don't swallow ANY idea that you haven't chewed to find the gristle.
Friday, August 28, 2009
To blog or not to blog, that is the question.
Well, if you are here, I guess you already know the answer. Perhaps a better question would be, "Do I really need a blog, and if so why"?
No, I do not need one, but yes I do want one. My life has been a tad interesting, and quite often many peculiar things happen to me. That is not to say that they don't for most people, but more often than not, it is the interpretation of these experiences, or the way they are perceived that makes us who we are, and how we view the world around us. Some people love life, others hate it. I see it as just one huge fucked up mess with no rhyme or reason. In fact, the more I try to figure it out, the more confused I become. Why does bad shit happen to good people? Why do assholes always seem to win? Why can I drink a 40 of rye and still be sober, but have three beers and think it's a good idea to try to pick up lesbians from a gay bar? Why won't my ex-wife just go away?
Now I know I'm not the smartest peanut in the turd, but I'm not an idiot either, (though occasionally I do play the part well). The fact of the matter is that I see things differently from most people. Perhaps I was born with a rain cloud over my head, maybe I bring bad luck on myself. It might just be that the shit that happens to me happens to everyone else, but they haven't the balls to share it with the world. Of course, there is the ever so slight chance that my life is far better than everyone else's, because others don't get to experience the strange but wonderful things that I do. Then again, I could be completely normal, which brings us back to the peanut in the turd thing.
Ah fuck it, it is what it is, and I am who I am. I hope you enjoy my odd story, and that some of my views on things might enlighten you with a new way of thinking. If not, so be it, at least my typing speed should improve.
No, I do not need one, but yes I do want one. My life has been a tad interesting, and quite often many peculiar things happen to me. That is not to say that they don't for most people, but more often than not, it is the interpretation of these experiences, or the way they are perceived that makes us who we are, and how we view the world around us. Some people love life, others hate it. I see it as just one huge fucked up mess with no rhyme or reason. In fact, the more I try to figure it out, the more confused I become. Why does bad shit happen to good people? Why do assholes always seem to win? Why can I drink a 40 of rye and still be sober, but have three beers and think it's a good idea to try to pick up lesbians from a gay bar? Why won't my ex-wife just go away?
Now I know I'm not the smartest peanut in the turd, but I'm not an idiot either, (though occasionally I do play the part well). The fact of the matter is that I see things differently from most people. Perhaps I was born with a rain cloud over my head, maybe I bring bad luck on myself. It might just be that the shit that happens to me happens to everyone else, but they haven't the balls to share it with the world. Of course, there is the ever so slight chance that my life is far better than everyone else's, because others don't get to experience the strange but wonderful things that I do. Then again, I could be completely normal, which brings us back to the peanut in the turd thing.
Ah fuck it, it is what it is, and I am who I am. I hope you enjoy my odd story, and that some of my views on things might enlighten you with a new way of thinking. If not, so be it, at least my typing speed should improve.
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